Hanging on to Hopelessness
by Whatsifsowhatsit
Summary: Although Kaoru loves his brother in a way he will never love anyone else, it's not quite the same as the way Hikaru loves Kaoru. No real pairings, but it's about the twins.
1. Chapter 1

_I was already awake_, but afraid to move and to possibly wake up the beauty of a boy that was lying next to me, against me and almost on top of me. His arm was lying softly over my chest, nude skin against naked skin. The rest of him was pressed firmly but gently against my right side, with his one leg underneath mine, the other one away from me. As usual at night, we were both wearing naught but our underwear. Ever since our almost simultaneous births, we had been trusting enough to lie together like that and it had never stopped being magic to me.

Kaoru was still fast asleep and if he wasn't going to wake up soon, we would surely be late for school. I didn't care, though, it meant nothing put alongside the warmth and tenderness that our current state gave off to me. I would close my eyes and enjoy the moment if I had been okay with Kaoru being like this out of my sight.

Unexpectedly and a little uncontrolled, he moved. Then, with the slightest moan, he crawled more tightly against me and wriggled his arm under me to embrace me even more. He was so sweet that I thought I was going to die.

Content, I lay there, not moving in the least but doing my best to enjoy as best I could as the minutes ticked by mercilessly. Chances were, we would be awakened soon to be sent to school if we wouldn't get up by ourselves, but still I didn't stir.

It wasn't much later that Kaoru finally began to move again in a way that suggested he was waking up at last. He arched his back a little and clawed his hands softly into my skin like a cat. When his eyes opened, I was the first thing he saw. Closing his eyes again, he stretched himself out all the way towards me, his arms on both side of my head. I tried not to pay too much attention to the realization that this was exactly something he would do in my fantasy, right before rolling on top of me. Unfortunately, all he rolled to was the edge of the bed to get out straight away.

I was so unhappy with the amount of attention Kaoru gave me that morning that I closed my eyes again, pretending to go back to sleep. It worked, because only seconds later, Kaoru spoke to me in his raspy morning voice. "Hey, you can't go back to sleep you know? It's too late, we have to go to school."

"I'm too tired," I moaned and turned around to demonstrate my determination.

"Oh, fine," Kaoru said, "I guess it's your own decision anyway."

Though I knew he wasn't entirely serious, his feigned lack of interest at that moment was really hurtful to me. Sadly, I prepared myself to get up anyway, because in the end I didn't really want to miss school, especially if Kaoru _was_ going to go. Then, just before I was able to get up, I was startled badly by a heavy weight jumping on top of me. It was Kaoru and he immediately started to tickle me forcefully to get me up. Pinned down beneath him, all I could do was laugh hysterically, squirming helplessly. "Oh, you're not going to get up huh? Were you just gonna let me go to school all by myself? Wouldn't that be a little selfish, now?" Kaoru kept asking me these questions in fun as he tickled me until I was all out of breath and we were both wide awake. It was great.

_School was always_ a mixture of good and bad things for me and today was no difference. Although I loved being besides Kaoru and putting up our little act of brotherly love all day for our customers, I worry a lot every day about his communications with certain other people we would meet at school. The girls weren't even the biggest problem, even with the way they gawked over him all the time. I didn't worry much about them at all, since I knew for a fact that they would never truly have Kaoru. Not the way a boy could ever have him. He never told me this literally, but it was clear enough that he was, like me, attracted to boys only. That didn't make my worrying any less though, what with us being members of a club filled with the school's most attractive boys.

Honestly, my biggest problem was Hunny-senpai. I knew Kaoru well, of course, and could easily tell that he was attracted to him. It even seemed like it was a mutual interest sometimes, though I couldn't be sure about that, because Hunny-senpai acted like that a bit towards most everybody. Still, there was a certain difference in the way he would treat just anybody and the way he would treat my Kaoru.

That's why I understood Mori-senpai so well. I could see that he noticed it too sometimes and I think he was worrying about it as well. We were in very comparable positions. Though I don't think he was actually attracted to Hunny-senpai like I was to Kaoru, there was definitely a strong bond between the two that would probably be even stronger if it was up to Mori-senpai. Mori-senpai looked very sad sometimes if Hunny-senpai was spending a lot of time again with Haruhi, tono or, also, with Kaoru. If Kaoru and Hunny-senpai were to end up together, we would both be sad, if for a bit different reasons, no matter how much we would try to be happy for them both. We had our shared looks of understanding sometimes, and it was a bit of support, even though I wasn't really friendly with Mori-senpai otherwise.

Even so, it was extremely hurtful to me from time to time to watch as Kaoru and Hunny-senpai would talk, laugh and play around together. A few times, Hunny-senpai had even jumped on Kaoru's shoulders like he did with Haruhi and Mori-senpai so often. Though I could see it made Kaoru a little uncomfortable, way beyond that it was clear that it touched him and that he liked it.

There were some days when it just hurt a bit more than others, a lot more sometimes, and today was one of these days.

_Later, serving our customers,_ we were all over each other again. We were talking about how I was worried about him spending too much time with other people than myself or something, and he was saying he would never find anyone more special than me anyway, I believe... I always tended to do well as a protective, slightly jealous big brother. It wasn't too hard to imagine why, I guess.

I had long since stopped trying to pretend that the things he was saying to me were real and the suggestion of brotherly love wasn't just a suggestion at all. It was always more painful to me than anything else. This didn't make it much less awkward to me, though. I guess in the end, I did always like it because it was one of those moments where Kaoru's attention was directed fully at me and we touched in familiar ways that I enjoyed.

_It had taken _way too long that day to get through school. Not a very good day, was my conclusion. I had been worrying and thinking all day and hadn't been doing anything productive, really.

We were undressing in our bedrooms, ready to go back to sleep already. I was sitting with my back to Kaoru, hoping he wouldn't notice me looking sad or not being very talkative. But as always, I should have known better.

Just as I pulled my shirt off, Kaoru's hand slipped on my shoulder suddenly. "Hikaru," he said softheartedly. "What's on your mind? You've been so out of focus all day. You seem kind of sad too - are you okay?"

I shut my eyes for a second so that my appreciative smile would be enough to contain my grateful emotions at that moment. "It's nothing we need to talk about, Kaoru," I told him.

Kaoru's hand remained on my shoulder and it was all there was for the second or two that Kaoru remained silent. He quietly sat next to me. "Hey Hikaru," he asked, "You wanna play a few games?" He was referring to our PlayStation Portables. Smiling again, I agreed, thinking that such quality time with my beloved brother was always welcome to me.

We played Tekken 5: Dark Resurrection. Kaoru usually chose Panda, and if he didn't he would choose one of the other animal characters such as Kuma or Roger Jr. I preferred Lili and Steve Fox, myself and I usually won. Kaoru, also not wearing anything but a pants anymore, lay against me as we played together. I had my arm around his shoulder and neck and he rested his head against my bare chest, making my breathing slightly heavier but much nicer simultaneously. As I watched him on my screen as Panda, he was cute to me all over again and I figured I was probably never going to really get over him.

However, on a more positive note, I realized that there would also always be moments such as these, where we could be together, with no one else around, to have fun and play together... and even touch a little, all in innocence. In general, I think I would be satisfied to settle for these moments and they were enough for me to never even try to get over him. I knew he cared about me too, otherwise he wouldn't be so worried that he would lose me to Haruhi, as I think he was sometimes. That's how I knew I would always be important to him and that's why I knew that however painful the longing would always be, it was all well worth it to me.


	2. Just the disclaimer

Disclaimer: I do not own Ouran High School Host Club or the twins that are the main characters of this story ( just the story itself.


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